Surviving the weekend as a stepfamily

[John]

Surviving the weekend as a stepfamily

Weekends can be a stressful time for stepfamilies, especially if a child isn’t regularly involved with one of the parents. While the natural parent looks forward to seeing a son or daughter, the stepparent may face the weekend with mixed feelings.

The visiting child can cause dramatic changes in the family structure by demanding constant attention of the natural parents, and may even arouse feelings of jealousy on the part of the stepparent.

Weekends together are supposed to be a time to blend and be a family, but instead it may be filled with stress and dread.

[Wheelspin]

...and school holidays are even worse. DP took a week off meaning to combine spending time with SS9 with doing some of the much needed work around the house. By the end of the week I was ready to throttle the pair of them and needless to say, none of the work had been done. It was not much of a holiday break.

[Silver]

I dread the EOW, and then feel extreme guilt and get angry at myself because DP accepts BS and looks upon him as his own, yet I haven't got those feelings for his children. They feel like little invaders that interrupt my life. I wonder if this is because their time here has been so on/off over the last 2yrs, or because their BM has done things that have resulted in me not respecting her? I feel like a babysitter that has no input in their life, yet doesn't get paid. And yeah, the jealousy thing. I hate that on his precious annual leave I have to share him. Do these feelings get better over time?

[kate81]

I dread the EOW, and then feel extreme guilt and get angry at myself because DP accepts BS and looks upon him as his own, yet I haven't got those feelings for his children. They feel like little invaders that interrupt my life. I wonder if this is because their time here has been so on/off over the last 2yrs, or because their BM has done things that have resulted in me not respecting her? I feel like a babysitter that has no input in their life, yet doesn't get paid. And yeah, the jealousy thing. I hate that on his precious annual leave I have to share him. Do these feelings get better over time?

Those words could have come from my mouth... I struggle constantly with jealousy of the skids with DH. Just something as simple as DH pulling one of the twins onto his lap while we're watching tv is enough to get the green monster in me going... worst thing is that I don't know how to get rid of these feelings...

I completely agree with the feeling that they are invaders in your home... I can't relax when they're around - I just feel so out of place.

Anyone got any ideas on how to reverse these jealous feelings?!?!? I've been fighting them for nearly four years and am yet to find a solution...

[Silver]

Kate81... it's good to know I'm not the only one! I find it so frustrating because I don't want to feel like that. I'm actually considering having a talk to a psychologist about it to see if I can get to the bottom of where these feelings come from so I can fix it. It's actually got much worse since I became pregnant (12 weeks). I'm wondering if it's all related....

[Gnatto]

Originally Posted by kate81

I completely agree with the feeling that they are invaders in your home... I can't relax when they're around - I just feel so out of place.

Anyone got any ideas on how to reverse these jealous feelings?!?!? I've been fighting them for nearly four years and am yet to find a solution...

It's both comforting and depressing to know that others are having the same experience as me. I've been trying to deal with it for just over three years.

I am 37 and child-free myself. My skids (SD 5 and SD 7) come and stay with us every other weekend.

I've never liked my skids mainly because I don't approve of their behaviour and the way that their mother is raising them - she thinks being a good parent is letting the skids do whatever they want and and telling them how much she loves them (her version of "unconditional love"), running around after them doing everything for them ("providing their needs") and generally being too busy trying to be their friend to actually teach them anything like manners, values or social skills. I suspect it's because she's trying to make up to having an affair and ruining her marriage to their father - surely no one can be that incompetent. I can't stand it.

My husband says that they are not turning into the people that he wants them to be, and initially, I tried to be involved and help him with ideas about how to teach them and discipline them using positive reinforcement and other ideas that my mum suggested. Unfortunately, my husband has been too afraid to put any of it into practice 9for fear of upsetting the skids and ruining their weekend), so I found that I was getting upset with the skids and then also with him for being no better than their mother.

So at the moment, I've taken to simply making myself scarce. I make plans to do my own thing when I know the skids are coming to stay - hairdresser or beauty appointments, or catching up with my relatives or friends, or going to the gym. Nice stuff that's fun to do even without my husband. Sometimes it makes me feel resentful because I feel like I'm being driven out of my own home, but it's better than having to be around the skids and watch them walk all over my husband and trash my house.

The most difficult part is that my husband doesn't seem to accept that this is how I have to deal with it - he seems to still harbour some fantasy that we're going to be this rosy little family and that he and I are going to share in the joy of raising the skids, so he whinges about not being able to spend time with me. But it's his choice, as I see it - I'm just coping with it as best I can without letting it ruin our marriage. And it's not forever - they'll stop coming over one of these days.