Is there anything positive in becoming a stepfamily?

[Maverick27]

Originally Posted by Miss007

Being a real bio parent is a million and 10 thousand times more wonderful then being a step parent. To me anyway. I just adore being a Mum warts and all. There is very little i enjoy about being a step parent.

I feel the same way.

And I feel the same as LB, even when your kids are having a rotten day, I'd still pick those times over any I shared with the skids.

i simply could not compare my journey with BD to my journey with the skids because both journeys are absolutely worlds apart.

Mm, I feel the same way.

Skids are fickle, they're in a position of power in the relationship, if you give yourself over to them, they have the ability of walking away with leaving nothing behind (same for stepparents).

I suppose with your own children though (particularly in in-tact families where you're jointly raising them with their father and living together), through the best and worst days, you know you're ultimately working for the bigger picture, it's not just a commitment until visitation ends, you know that you'll be a family into the future, that the emotional investments you put in to your children today, you'll be able to see the fruition of in the future as they grow and become adults, and you're part of that journey with them.

I don't know how it is for other families, but I find I get a heck of a lot back from my kids than I do from the skids, and the same goes for dh. I see our children contributing a lot more to his life, than the skids do.

[Miss007]

in saying that though, i think i understand what mix means - i think she means that whether children are your bio's or your skids, you still face many of the same parental struggles, ie, following rules, teaching manners, messy rooms, all the usual kid stuff. i think the difference is that you easily accept these kid issues with your own bio's because you love them enough to overlook it. with your skids it annoys you more because you don't feel that love towards them and find it harder to overlook it. for some SM's anyway, me included.

I think its more then love. Its values too. Its control. Its many things. Thats why step parenting is so complex. Parenting has been a walk in the park compared to step parenting.

[carousel]

Originally Posted by Miss007

I think its more then love. Its values too. Its control. Its many things. Thats why step parenting is so complex. Parenting has been a walk in the park compared to step parenting.

yes for me that's very true also.

[Maverick27]

I agree, values and morals are a big difference I come up against WRT skids and our family.

Generally people of the same family have the same morals, hold the same truths dear, even if they diverge as they get older, you at least know they had the same root basis to begin with.
Not always so with a stepfamily.

[carousel]

Originally Posted by Maverick26

Generally people of the same family have the same morals, hold the same truths dear, even if they diverge as they get older, you at least know they had the same root basis to begin with.
Not always so with a stepfamily.

this statement really caught my eye. it's so true because it's the basis of so many fights within a stepfamily - different styles of parenting, different morals, values, manners, rules, personalities, backgrounds, etc. it's incredibly frustrating sharing a house with people who are polar opposites of me in terms of morals and values, something as simple as the skids not brushing their teeth irks me because i am SO big on good hygiene and will able to positively influence my own BD in this area but cannot do anything about the skids hygiene. it's like living with flatmates you really don't mesh with but you cannot move out.

[selfish]

Yep. And one of the hardest things is that often the skids don't even mesh well with the parent in your house and they are also noticing that unwelcome traits from the person they left are all through their kids.

Also, I think for me one of the worst things is the hypocrisy of stepfamilies like mine. Like - you are meant to put up with terrible behaviour from skids AND ex because of daddy/mummy's great big love of their children, and then you see them ignoring them, failing to parent sufficiently, bargaining with the ex over time/money/favours so they can get what they want, bullying you emotionally so they can get what they want, and using the kids as weapons both against the ex and you, and the ex is doing the same thing. You come to have a deep disdain not exactly for the children, but for any plea involving them, any guilt trip involving them. You come to disdain parental 'love' and the grasping nastiness of it - the way they turn their kids into little avatars doing their work for them, living their lives for them, sheilding them.

[elnini]

*Looking at two baskets of washing (of 11) yet to be folded since nit parade last week*
*Looking in other direction at 11 loads of washing to go through machine from nit parade this week*
*Feeling hair stripped and mangled from repeated nit treatments*
*Struggling to find a positive today...*