Is your first priority your partner, now you have children?

[patience]

My kids are my first priority. I recently went out with a guy for a few months, and broke it off because I didn't believe he was making his daughter his first priority, and I felt he was lacking in his parenting responsibilities. I couldn't be with someone who didn't make their child their priority.

[Maverick27]

Good question.

Dh has made it clear over the years that I come second only to alcohol. If I was his first priority, and I knew that without a doubt, then he would be mine.
But I'm not. In the face of temptation, he will choose to drink, virtually regardless of the surrounding circumstances, and on occasion, at great expense to our family.

Sooo, I feel I'd be a fool to put him first, when the favour isn't reciprocated.

Our children are my first thought and priority, whatever's needed to keep them safe and happy is what I do.

Dh and I alternate on my second priority, depending on dh's behaviour at the time, if he's engaging in risky behaviour, I have to be able to preserve enough of myself to be able to cope with whatever challenges he brings home, and I do what I need to do for myself to keep a clear head (mostly just decompressing by myself at home and doing something mindless).

It's a tricky thing to try and describe, I do things for myself to keep on an even keel, but at the same time, put the thought and effort into dh to try and make sure he doesn't stray too far down the difficult path.

If his addiction wasn't a factor, I don't know how it would go, I would like to think that we would be a devoted husband and wife who put each other first above all else (with how that fits in to the family with children).

[snuffy]

I guess it has fluctuated. Before I disengaged, I felt swamped by DH's life. HIS kids, HIS ex-wife, HIS father, HIS sister all placing various demands on OUR family's time that I felt like I was just an actor with a bit part in my own life. I had no say in anything, just constantly treading on eggshells and jumping through hoops to accomodate the (often quite insane) demands of everyone that came with DH - his sister was just unstoppable. Up to and including spending our weekends doing chores at HER house because of this nonsensical guilt trip hold she had on DH...

Anyway when I pushed back, I made the girls my number one priority. DH had to deal with everything else and OMG it felt so liberating. I was no longer burdened, pressured, guilted... nothing. I got my life back. We live a fairly complicated ships-in-the-night life with him working at night and me working days and don't get a lot of time together. This has always had the problem where we could possibly drift apart. We are quite strong, but it has involved me and him being fairly self sufficient and responsible for ourselves (and our BDs in our time with them) and aside from weekends, we actually live like two single parents.

At the moment my DH has some health issues. He has finally decided to do something about his diabetes and over the last 6 months has got his blood sugar under control. I have had to make that a priority too, and I am happy to help him, so he could attend all his many medical appointments. We now are facing some serious issues with his eyesight and there is an outside chance he could become visually impaired in the near future to the point he is no longer legally allowed to drive. That will put him back up the pecking order again as a priority, IYKWIM, if I take on a sort of "carer" role.

[rhn]

When DP and I first got together we talked about priorities, the kids come first, but 'us' is also top priority, because otherwise the kids won't have a family.

I tend to put DD first because for the first 2.5 years of her life it was only the two of us, whereas DP had 10 years of being in a family and having lots of people to consider.

I put needs before wants, regardless of whether it's DP, DD or SDs.

[virgill]

I've got the opinion that "there is no castle without a king and queen", so I suppose I put my relationship 1st as maintaining harmony in the home ultimately gives stability for my children.

But yes in the very beginning of my relationship with DP I told him that ds was first. But back in those days it was because ds was so vunerable and I suppose I would have sacrificed my happiness with DP to ensure that ds was "safe". But we were having alot of issues with the troll which were spilling over into our home and ds and I were being used as the scapegoats.

[Lovingstepmum]

This is a hard one... I am a bit like MIX too...

Hubby is really good at looking after himself and he will be the first to tell me that our priorities are the kids...

We love each other so much but as far as the kids are concerned they are our priority. They come number one in our house... as far as the skids are concerned... I would put them like our own kids number 1 too... I think hubby does too...

Hubby and I come after the children...

It is hard to find time for each other at times and I do suffer for it in my heart but it is just a phase we are going through with very young children and the fact we are saving and he is working so much so we can have our dream home. So that everyone has the space they need.

So I guess... Skids/kids are 1 and hubby/me are 2.

[stepmummery]

Especially (but not only!) in stepfamilies, I believe in partners coming first. Obviously not at the expense of children in any significant way, but if you don't prioritise your partnership in a stepfamily there is a big risk that it will crumble, and then before you know it the kids are going through another separation!

Ultimately, I think that to put the kids first you have to put your partner first.

I always wonder, though, why so many men seem to feel a pressing need to announce to their partners that the kids come first. Even if they feel that way (usually out of what I call "male provider guilt" at the breakup), why rub it in your partner's face? To prove what a top dad you are?

On the other hand, I can so see why after getting that rejection from a partner a woman might decide to relegate him down the list!