Any other stepmums with adult stepchildren

[ButterflyDreams]

I am a young mum (late 20's) with 2 children of own, 1 on way, at home SD still in primary school and 2 grown up step children as little as 8 years younger than me - as I put in my introduction post, DH is a widower too - my step kids are really his step kids (there BF walked out when they were only toddlers).
I get the manipulation they try, my biggest issue used to be there attitude to me, it was basically he's our dad, mums gone, we don't need anyone else in our lives.

[at least i tried]

BUTTERFLY DREAMS:

Yes I know what you mean about attitude - ti si disgraceful. My skids dont like the idea that their dad has "replaced" their mum. But they never think of him - just themselves. I cant imagine what it would be like if we tried to intefer in their lives the way they like to in ours.

[at least i tried]

STACKY68

I understand what you are saying BUT in this case it was different. This girl is the sort that if she likes something she likes all of it NOW and if someone buys her something she is happy about it. I have noticed that since the family is estranged and I have been keeping up with the grandkids via her blog that she must have loved everything I bought her as they are still showing up in the background of pics on her blog.

Maybe she said she liked what I got to be kind but I am sure I could not have misread the signals each time I bought her something. I didnt do what your friend did and went out in a manic state and bought everything at once. It was only IF I seen something when I was out and about.

Maybe next time I will not be so generous as your situation has made me think.

I would love to hear your other story as it is helping me with mine.

Maybe I am (or was) doing the wrong things.

[paper]

ALIT

From reading this post and your other one that mentions MIl's(?) combined party, I am getting the feeling you are/have been a little bit too enthusiastic...... and if I'm reading it correctly, when people are like that, combined with your self-confessed control-freakiness, they can/do come across as very overbearing...

There is a dutch woman at school, very helpful, very friendly, but just wont take no for an answer, for anything.

She has in turn, alienated everyone, no one wants to go near her, cause there just doesn't seem to be any respect for other people's feelings...she has an answer for everything.

[Anirtak]

Originally Posted by at least i tried

ANIRTAK - Do you have story to tell about your blow out this year? - it sure sounds like it. My story has only just begun but most if it is in the SECTION Letters to SKIDS etc.

How do I link that thread to this one?

Sorry it's taken so long to come back to you on this one but it's a bit of a long winded story and I didn't want to rush through it.

After DH and BM split, the relationship between DH and his kids was very strained. They were at constant loggerheads with each other and fought routinely in front of the kids.

BM attempted suicide I believe around the time that I met DH (well after their separation) and she did this in front of the kids.

BM has never been in control of her emotions and regularly becomes quite distressed and hysterical in front of the kids. She is extremely manipulative and emotional blackmail is her weapon of choice.

Whenever DH sneezed, she would play the victim very well, becoming emotionally unstable which would prompt the kids to 'pick her up' and console her. There is a lot of guilt on the part of the kids where their mother is concerned and they know she is emotionally unstable and very reluctant to put her in her place or be seen to be anything but 100% loyal to her.

The roles between mother and children are reversed. BM behaves like the child and the kids are the ones who look after her. That observation has also been made by a psychologist in our Family Report.

BM takes no responsibility for her actions and there are always mitigating circumstances that prompt it ie: her depression, hormones, not being able to get over DH, her daughters pregnancy bringing back memories of her abortion, and the exceptionally long list goes on.

Everything that goes wrong in her life is not dealt with in a mature way but prompts her to lose control and take it out on whoever she feels like at the time. Most times it was us, other times her sister, mother, new partner, kids, friends, teachers, principle etc.

You have to realise that it is NEVER BM's fault. It is ALWAYS someone else who instigates those reactions...BM's perception.

BM is very unstable, and a pathological liar. She is not above twisting events to paint a favourable picture of herself. Just one example...she turned up on our doorstep and assaulted my son and myself. The police came and she told the kids that the police came because their father hit her.

Absolutely not true and the kids were there, but she twists it so much that they don't know what to believe in the end.

Things like DH and I going on a holiday that the kids were meant to come on as well, but BM withheld access because she was jealous we were taking the kids away. She told the kids that DH refused to take them because he wanted to take his new girlfriend away.

So many things.

Anyway. Over the years the kids have come to know the truth and they acknowledge that I am not a bad person and that there is no reason for any animosity towards me.

However, each and every time they have dropped in to visit us or we have visited them (2 of them live interstate) BM manages to cause trouble or lay on the guilt trip with them ie: you visit them but you are not visiting me! You love them, more than you love me! You chose her, over me! etc.

So the adult stepkids are very very wary of showing any form of affection or being seen to be taking sides or accepting me in any way.

Their father is a lot tougher and does not show the emotional side to them as much so I think they believe he can take a bit more than BM can and tend to balance their behavior accordingly.

There is also the fact that although they love their parents, they do not respect either of them as good parents...they have said as much many times.

In lightof the constant fighting, the emotional blackmail, the lack of respect for their parents etc, I think that automatically flows to the partners of their parents.

For years I have understood that and tried to be patient with them by just letting them work things out in their own minds. I know hand on heart I have always done the right thing by them and there is no way they could dispute that.

A number of times I have travelled on invite with DH to visit them only to spend the time there feeling like the third wheel. Completely invisable and as though they only tolerate me out of obligation. No affection, no consideration and the conversation is one sided to only include topics that relate only to themselves.

I accept that you can never force anyone to behave a certain way and I accepted that this is the way it may be for always and that DH's kids obviously have their own emotional reasons for doing so.

However I am also a human being with feelings, thoughts and dreams. I am also someone's mother, sister, daughter, and I ALSO have a family to think about.

When I was invited to spend a whole weekend interstate with DH's adult daughter for her 21st, when she could not even bring herself to say hello to me when entering our house. I declined giving DH the reasons why.

Dh selfishly, became upset about it and was only interested in how it made HIM feel not to attend a special occassion with his partner and to be able to show his EX wife that he had a strong relationship with his new one.

Bearing in mind that I have been attacked by this women physically and we have a current DVO against her and that EVERY occassion she has been in the same room as me she has used to the time to either scream obscenities at me or speak to me in an agressive manner and the added detail of SD's complete lack of disregard and DH's unwillingness to address it with her. I have to say, I wasn't feeling terribly charitable of my time and was actually disgusted that he would try to make me feel guilty about not attending by discussing how it made HIM feel and how it would affect HIM.

I stood my ground and wrote a letter, outlining all of my thoughts to his daughters and DH explaining why I would not be attending and pretty much telling them that I would not be sacrificing time with my own family who are willing to love me and treat me with respect for a family who were not.

I tried sending it but SD's email had changed at that time, so it didn't go through.

I had cc'd DH into it and he modified it to his own version essentially keeping most things in it and sent it on behalf of himself.

The message was clear and the results could only go one of 3 ways....remain the same, improve or errode even further. I was living one of those already, I didn't care by that stage whether it eroded further because I didn't feel it could get much worse and I was at that stage willing to completely remove myself from their lives in every way including them not being welcome in the home if they could not bring themselves to even greet me or respect me whilst here. I was NOT going to attend another wedding, birthday, or dysfunctional 'family' event. So really by that stage I felt I had nothing to lose and everything to gain.

There was a blow out from it. DH finally addressed the issues with them.

They told him straight out that it was nothing personal. That I had done nothing to warrant that from them, and then went on to tell him how they felt loyal to their mother etc.

The fact is, by treating me with disrespect they made it personal. They're adults now and they need to behave accordingly. They have the common sense and ability to make choices and if they choose to treat me that way out of a misguided loyalty to their mother they have no right to expect some of the benefits that come with having me in their lives.

Since then, things have improved dramatically. SD21 now rings me regularly to even ask how I'm going. SD25 is still a bit funny but is genuinely trying. Communication with her still does not feel natural or relaxed but it is communication that is respectful and I can't ask more than that.

Only time will tell whether things will continue to improve, but so far so good. They have also finally started to make a stand with BM in that they are refusing to become involved and have been pushing her to do the right thing and let go of the past.

[Anirtak]

Originally Posted by at least i tried

STACKY 68 One of my SD's had complained to others that I was always trying to divide the two sisters. I did not do this at all. If one sister came to me complainkg about the other one I would tell the other one as I felt that was the only way for them to communicate their problems.

I think sometimes it's best to stay out of those things and allow them to sort them out themselves. The third person has a tendency to cop the blame in these situations and I don't think it's just a stepfamily thing.

If they can't communicate with each other it's their problem.

Originally Posted by paper

ALIT
I understand what you are saying BUT in this case it was different. This girl is the sort that if she likes something she likes all of it NOW and if someone buys her something she is happy about it. I have noticed that since the family is estranged and I have been keeping up with the grandkids via her blog that she must have loved everything I bought her as they are still showing up in the background of pics on her blog.

Maybe I am (or was) doing the wrong things.

First of all, I don't think what you are doing is a bad thing. In my opinion though, when you leave yourself so open, they have everything and no need to strive for respect. You yourself lose your sense of self and they can see that and respect you even less for it. When you are working so hard on trying to do the right thing for them and you're bending over backwards to accommodate them, it can be a bit too sweet instead of natural so they take advantage of it.

I don't think it is much different to their father trying to overcompensate as well if you know what I mean. They don't respect their father for it either.

You need some boundaries around their behavior as well, out of respect for yourself and if you don't respect yourself enough for that then they won't show that respect either.

That's not to say that you have to have an argument with them or have a set of rules pinned up somewhere. But it is behaving in such a way that commands that respect rather than giving away your whole lunch and handing it to them on a silver platter.

Your DH has conditioned them to have this sense of entitlement by enabling the behavior. Of course they are going to be put out that you have stepped on their toes. What they have to understand though that you are now in the picture and those actions affect you. Where they affect you then it is highly likely you are going to have a say in it and rightly so.

If it doesn't affect you directly however you need to remove yourself from it and leave it to your DH to sort.

I think you need to go about your business and be true to yourself. Stop trying so hard and leave them some breathing room to work a little bit on the relationship as well as opposed to you doing enough work for everyone. Each person needs to play their part for it to work, not just one person.

[at least i tried]

PAPER

I do understnd what you are saying and yes I am overbearing. The only people that have a problem with it are the skids. Others I talk to about this problem say they take it in their stride as that is me and my personality. I am a doer not a ditherer and I hate ditherers (my DD is one and it frustrates me no end). IF a job needs doing - do it!!. Dont tell me you will do it later for whatever reason.

That is why I do what I do as I want the job done the way it needs to be done.

I am not the sort of person that can just go to a function and sit there. I refuuse alot of invitations as I cant sit and do nothing. If I want to sit and do nothing I will sit and home and read.

Am I making sense?

I know what you are saying PAPER and I am like the lady at school BUT I do take suggestions on board and listen to the other person if what I am doing and/or helping with is thier domain. I have bought stuff or skids kids parties in the past and it hasnt been used but that is the parents choice. I am always a"little" hurt but in the end it is their doing.

That is what I am liking about htis site. I am getting views that I can take on board and try and change the way I interact with others. I am starting to take little steps back but it will take time.

But in saying that my skids are still biatches and they will never change unless their dad divorces me.

[at least i tried]

ANIRTAK - will get back to you a little later as I am supposed to be doing wages - not on the internet. LOL

[Anirtak]

Ouch, don't stuff up those wages or you they'll be baying for blood!